Fresh Start

Time to revamp this blog.
Getting back to the roots of what it had fully intentioned to being.
Time is now. ;)

The Recent Onslaught of Amish Reality Shows... Discuss.

'Breaking Amish', 'Amish Mafia', 'Vanilla Ice Goes Amish' and now 'Breaking The Faith'

Seems that the television world is rife with Amish living.  Why now?  Why at the same time as programs such as 'Honey Boo Boo', 'Toddlers and Tiaras' and 'Sister Wives' (which freaks me out on another creepo level)?

TLC used to be known as The Learning Channel.  Now I can't help but wonder what we are supposed to be learning.

Discuss.

How Comfortable Do You Feel? Naked.

 

One of my Kick the Can challenges for the next 4 months is to go on at least 2 dates.
Yes.  Time to reclaim my feminine wiles and while I'm talking about dating, I am hoping that they will eventually lead to more dating and sex.  So, let's have a chat about nudity.

I was reading an article on Jezebel the other day about how women are nudity "happiest" (yes, in quotes) with their bodies at age 34. 

It got me thinking on a personal level when and even if I was ok with being naked...even by myself.
I've never enjoyed sleeping naked (what if there's a fire?) and have only done it on a few occasions when it was either too bearable to wear clothes or at a partner's request.  Even though I live out in the country, I never strip down to put on a bathing suit in the backyard (we have a pool), but instead get dressed and undressed in my room or the bathroom and make my way down to the pool.  I barely even look at myself naked in a mirror (let alone with clothing on).

I only ever skinny dipped as a child and in a daring turn of drunken events, once at a friend's cottage (and that was mainly to impress upon the crush of my desire that I was a brave girl (consequently a very drunk one)).

Nakedness or nudity was never a bad thing in my childhood or growing up, so I wonder when I developed this overly sensitive fear of getting down to brass tacks and taking my kit off (as my Scottish friends would say).

In the past with boyfriends, I immediately knew who was 'worthy' of seeing me naked and those who were not.  Boyfriends who complimented me and loved me and made me feel beautiful helped lessen the constant state of anxiety about getting naked in front of them.  My high school boyfriend definitely saw me more naked than any of the other men I've dated.  But I suppose I didn't have the hang ups about "how I was supposed to look" back then (despite reading Cosmo) and he always embraced my shape and body and made me feel beautiful.  That's one of the things I miss most about him...his ability to make me feel good!

Since then, I've had a slew of boyfriends who may have made me feel good about myself from time to time, but far too nervous and uncomfortable to be totally naked in front of them for varying reasons.  Sex and nudity is something I've always struggled with...positioning sheets or clothing in front of areas that I personally find unflattering on myself.  I've even dated men who have asked about why I hide my body from them, but I've failed to tell them that I need to be told I'm sexy, beautiful, hot, desirable with my clothes both on AND off...and frequently.

Needy chicks do that and I'm not needy...or at least I didn't think I was.  But maybe I am.
A tougher question would be, why do I not date guys who make me feel like I want to get totally in-your-face naked with them early on?  Rather than the "let's do it with the lights out" sorta guys.  The guys that I can never fully trust (even though I want to).  My last 'serious' relationship, I started dressing more and more out of his view because in my mind, he didn't deserve it and it was my way of punishing him because I wasn't getting what I needed out of the relationship.  Sensing that, I should have just come clean and broken up with him.  Not that it would have mattered to be honest.

Part of it is because I don't like my body (I'm working on this) and partly because I've dated men who have only been concerned with themselves and their needs and wants (and I've given into them with wild abandon of my own desires).  These are the things about my personal life that I'm desperately trying to change/understand as I hurtle towards 40. 

Yes.,...at 34 I wasn't exactly happy with my body either, so I'm not entirely sure what these women were talking about.  But then again, I'm assuming they aren't single either.  People like Lena Dunham of HBO Girl's fame has been an inspiration in the whole 'embrace your nakedness campaign' for women and for me personally. Like the show or hate the show, you can rest assured that main character Hannah (played by Dunham) will be putting herself out there and is ultimately comfortable with being naked and not being perfect. 
It's a quality I find endearing and something I'm aiming for myself.

So what about you... how comfortable do you feel getting naked?

Feminine Wiles & Valentine's Day

The big "love" day of the year when all the restaurants are booked, the price of fresh cut flowers skyrockets and the amount of chocolate to be found is purely diabetic!

Valentine's Day.  As a kid, I gave out cards to all my classmates being very careful as to what message I wanted the boy of my elementary school affections to receive on the card.  Often, I'd slip in a secret admirer card in there too for good measure.  It's nice to know you have a secret admirer, even if you didn't know who they were! (Less stalkerish when you are 5.)

As I got older, I still sent cards and received cards (some from boys I wasn't too thrilled about, but still appreciated).  I attended school dances, wore red and tried my hand at flirting with the notion that Valentine's day was the most romantic day in the world.  I embraced and gave love in words and deeds to all friends (and that cute boyish grade 11 guy from Portugal who didn't speak English very well, but could kiss like a man). *swoon*

Out in the workplace I also had secret admirer crushes (don't we all?) and even though nothing serious came from any of it, I was happy that they were let in on the notion that someone found them completely adorable. 

I've had my share of unromantic boyfriends.  Most of them were, sadly. Meh. It happens.  I've always been the hardcore romantic and I suppose I've even adapted to dating men who aren't.  Unfortunately.
I promise I will date the next romantic man I find and leave the rest behind.

But just because I am without a lover for this holiday does not mean I have soured.  No.  In fact, I plan on celebrating my own way (or rather my employer's way) and I will be working, wearing red lipstick and making every effort to really love myself this year, not just the one day.  That's the best gift I can give myself.  Hey, I've been doing a great job so far.

Speaking of love and the all encompassing confusion surrounding it, Girls was unbelieveable this week.  Completely raw and beautiful.   I hope you are watching it.  HBO on Sunday nights at 9pm. (Eeeeeek...and Patrick Wilson!!)




Are you Valentine-less this Valentine's day?  How are you celebrating?  Are you celebrating?

Beautiful Girls

One of the best monologues ever about men and women... and attractiveness.
Movie:: Beautiful Girls

Kryptonite

I hadn't thought about him for a while (I guess truth is that he is always on my mind somewhere in the dark recesses), but last night after a chat with a friend, thoughts of him came flooding back to me.

It's a happy-sad sort of situation.  I'm happy when I hear from him. I'm happy he's good and healthy and I'm always hoping he's happy or knows he can change it if he isn't.  I'm sad that that's the only way I can think about him anymore and that we don't actually talk.  I'm sad that I don't know why we don't talk, but I'm sadder to also know the deeper reasons behind why we don't.  I'm sad that things weren't different in the chilly time we spent that winter.  I miss J.  I miss his friendship a lot.  It's been hard without him.

While I definitely know that I had nothing to do with the tough decisions that I had to make on our behalf and he had his own set of criteria that brought about decisions he made.  A relationship is made up of two people, each with individual needs, desires and faceted personalities.  Each person determining their course of action within the relationship.  He made decisions I didn't agree with, maybe I was a different person, maybe he had to make decisions because I couldn't...and maybe I did, because he couldn't.

Then I thought about it.  He's my Kryptonite. He always has been.  I just wish I could hear his voice now and again.

Is There Ever a New Day on an Old Relationship?

A recent conversation with a coworker who was re-entering a relationship with his past has spawned this conversation.

I've always had the belief that once a relationship sours, it's practically impossible to reignite the flames to a point where the relationship is 100% salvageable.

My coworker is optimistically positive that it can work. He was the person in the past who had been freed by his girlfriend and she is his first love and he is in his mid-late 20's.

Age and experience definitely plays a factor in what I believe to be a big mistake when considering a return to a previous relationship. I think the role you played and who/how it ended matters too.

But overall, I think it's just a big mistake. Unless a significant amount of time has passed and you've worked on correcting the contributing factor you brought to the breakup, it's simply doomed to be repeated.. But on a much faster downhill slope.

And boy, since he got back with his ex, he's been cranky! How do you feel about reuniting with an old flame?