I hadn't thought about him for a while (I guess truth is that he is always on my mind somewhere in the dark recesses), but last night after a chat with a friend, thoughts of him came flooding back to me.
It's a happy-sad sort of situation. I'm happy when I hear from him. I'm happy he's good and healthy and I'm always hoping he's happy or knows he can change it if he isn't. I'm sad that that's the only way I can think about him anymore and that we don't actually talk. I'm sad that I don't know why we don't talk, but I'm sadder to also know the deeper reasons behind why we don't. I'm sad that things weren't different in the chilly time we spent that winter. I miss J. I miss his friendship a lot. It's been hard without him.
While I definitely know that I had nothing to do with the tough decisions that I had to make on our behalf and he had his own set of criteria that brought about decisions he made. A relationship is made up of two people, each with individual needs, desires and faceted personalities. Each person determining their course of action within the relationship. He made decisions I didn't agree with, maybe I was a different person, maybe he had to make decisions because I couldn't...and maybe I did, because he couldn't.
Then I thought about it. He's my Kryptonite. He always has been. I just wish I could hear his voice now and again.